- Recent advances in neural imaging give a psychological basis for why people often misunderstand each other in conversations, according to bestselling author Charles Duhigg. Conversations have emotional and social components beyond the practical sharing of information.
- “Supercommunicators” are skilled at asking meaningful questions and mirroring the emotional energy of others. With practice, anyone can learn to have more effective communication.
- Conversational best practices foster trust, strengthen insights and create more efficient decision-making, even in traditionally quantitative fields such as finance and investing.
It’s a familiar story. A person comes home complaining about a long, frustrating day at work only to bristle when their spouse offers some advice. “I’m trying to help,” the spouse says, but their words have only made the situation worse.
This was the case for Charles Duhigg, an award-winning writer for The New Yorker and bestselling author of “The Power of Habit.” Despite a successful career in journalism, Charles often encountered communication challenges at work. Things weren’t any different at home, either.
“I would come home after a long day of work, and I would complain about my day and my co-workers. [My wife] Liz very practically and reasonably would offer me some advice, [but] instead of being able to hear what she was saying, I would get even more upset,” Charles recalls.
This pattern prompted an investigation. Why, despite our best intentions, are humans so bad at basic communication? Charles’s extensive research resulted in his newest book, “Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection.”
Charles joined host Kevin Coldiron on an Ideas Lab episode of Top Traders Unplugged to discuss his findings and the workplace implications of proven effective communication styles. Read on to discover the psychology behind meaningful conversations that build trust in relationships.
Communication brain science
To start, it’s not that conversational dynamics are a new topic. Humankind has thousands of years of spoken language experience. But only in the past few decades has neuroimaging allowed researchers to map brain activity while two people are talking.
“One of the things that we’ve discovered is that every discussion is made up of multiple kinds of conversations,” Charles explains. For instance, you might think a colleague is simply asking for your help interpreting a technical analysis, but there are hidden neurological dynamics at play. These simultaneous psychological conversations fall into three categories:
- Practical — exchanging information, solving problems or making plans
- Emotional — verbal expressions of feeling in search of an empathetic response
- Social — relating to each other based on social identities and societal norms
Imagine that the colleague asks for help, which seems practical, but the emotional reason they’re asking is that they feel frustrated and inadequate for not solving the issue on their own. Socially, the tone of your response will likely change depending on whether you consider yourself a mentor or a peer, and other person’s reaction will likewise depend on how they view you. If you answer the question but misjudge the emotional or social dynamic, your colleague may not feel heard.
“This has given rise to what’s known as the matching principle in psychology,” Charles says. “Being able to communicate [effectively] relies on having the same kind of conversation at the same moment.”
To address this, successful communication requires a sort of negotiation. The first goal of a conversation should be ascertaining what the other person wants. Charles compares this to a schoolteacher asking a student, “Do you want to be helped, do you want to be hugged or do you want to be heard?”
Highly effective communicators understand which type of conversation their listener most wants to have and adjust their posture accordingly.
Traits of a ‘Supercommunicator’
Fortunately, all of us have the innate tools to navigate these conversational dynamics. Humans have highly evolved communicative abilities. “All of us, at some level, know how to connect with other people,” Charles says. “It’s just that sometimes we forget it.”
A “supercommunicator,” then, is not someone born with a special talent for socializing. Rather, it’s someone who has recognized that communication involves a set of skills that they can cultivate. They enter conversations with the intention of hearing the other person well.
But it’s more than just paying attention and making good eye contact. Conversations are cognitively intense, and most people are more focused on what they’re going to say next than on watching their audience’s behavior. This means supercommunicators must emphasize that they understand the nuances of the conversation.
“There is an instinct in all of our brains to suspect that the other person is not actually listening to us,” Charles says. To calm this fear in another person, supercommunicators can follow three simple steps.
- Ask a question
- After the other person responds, summarize their answer in your own words
- Ask if you understood correctly
When we get it right, the effect is transformative. “That feeling that you have after a great conversation is actually a dopamine reaction inside your brain that’s been trained by evolution to push us to connect with other people,” Charles says.
So if supercommunicating is really this easy, why do conversations go wrong?
How to ask deeper questions
Ironically, it’s often the most important conversations that we’re least prepared to have. Someone might come into a discussion already full of anxiety or heightened emotion, perhaps already with the belief that they’ll have to fight to get their viewpoint across.
In a conflict, Charles recommends first pausing to determine the type of conversation the other person wants to have. “Reset and say, let’s get on the same page here. Are we talking about solving this problem? Are we just sharing the problem and how we feel about it?”
Charles points out that our most trusted confidants are often the people who know what to ask. They have a skill set to identify the primary type of conversation, and they can effectively draw out our thoughts and feelings through deep, vulnerable questions.
Inquire about values
“[A deep question] doesn’t have to elicit emotions,” Charles clarifies, “but it does have to elicit values, beliefs or experiences.”
A social question would be asking a doctor where she practices medicine. This is taking a polite interest in her career, but it doesn’t build a personal connection. A deeper question would be asking her what she loves about her job — something that unlocks her values and passions. Depending on how she answers this deeper question, you’ll have a better sense of whether the conversation is moving in a practical or an emotional direction.
“It's really important to train ourselves not to ask about the facts of someone’s life, but how they feel about their life. That’s where a deep question resides,” Charles adds.
In most cases, a deep question invites a dialogue. As the other person talks about their values and beliefs, it’s natural for you to respond with something meaningful about yourself, strengthening the interpersonal connection. Maybe you’re not a doctor, but you can sincerely relate to helping those in need.
Match emotional energy
Another best practice in meaningful communication is to mirror the other person’s emotional energy. This doesn’t mean mimicry or that the reaction has to be insincere. “Matching is just acknowledging that you feel a certain way,” Charles says.
Imagine that a coworker shared that their aunt had recently passed away. Most people would politely offer condolences, but a quick “I’m sorry” likely doesn’t correspond to the emotional heaviness that the coworker is feeling. A better response, Charles says, is to ask questions.
Rarely, though, should the question be “How can I help?” Often someone experiencing a loss wants an emotional conversation more than a practical one. Instead, a good question would be, “Tell me about your aunt. What was she like?” Showing empathy and a real interest in the other person’s thoughts is a mark of emotional intelligence.
“At their core, that’s what supercommunicators do. They show us that they want to connect with us,” Charles says.
Consider multiple identities
The previous examples are most applicable when meeting someone new or when someone is experiencing a difficulty. In everyday workplace interactions among colleagues, effective questions consider the complexity of a person’s identity.
“When we talk about identities, sometimes people just default to race or politics, but there are a thousand different things about you,” Charles says. “Rather than always force identities into a conversation, just try and figure out if identities are important.”
For example, a conversation about school systems will likely trigger certain identities. Parents of school-aged children may feel personally connected to the issue, but that’s not to assume that someone without kids won’t have an opinion.
Instead of saying to that person, “You don’t have kids, so you probably don’t know much about this,” a supercommunicator will acknowledge other identity touchpoints. They may say, “You live in this community. What do you think?” This invites a response rather than creates a divide.
Communication in technical fields
But what about in technical fields where emotionally charged topics are less common in the workplace? Kevin wonders how these supercommunciation skills apply to the quantitative world of investment. “Are these deep questions appropriate in any context?” he asks.
“Absolutely,” Charles says. “If you’re in those minutes before a meeting starts, or when you're trying to get to know someone, ask, Why did you decide to become an investor? What’s your favorite part of [the] job?”
Not every interaction, of course, needs to be a deep conversation. Practicing these skills can not only build relational bridges; it can also hone another communication skill — listening.
Especially at a large investment firm, analysts need to feel comfortable sharing ideas and be able to trust each other’s insights. In some cases, practiced supercommunicators can even have a competitive edge in market predictions.
“Sometimes you’re watching someone respond to questions in an earnings call … if you know how to listen really well, you can pick up on what goes unsaid,” Charles adds. Honing communication skills in workplace interactions makes it easier to pick up on nonverbal emotional cues.
With the right intention and focus on these communication skills, anyone can be a more effective leader, a more productive teammate and perhaps even a happier spouse. Meaningful conversations are the foundations of our most important relationships.
This is based on an episode of Top Traders Unplugged, a bi-weekly podcast with the most interesting and experienced investors, economists, traders and thought leaders in the world. Sign up to our Newsletter or Subscribe on your preferred podcast platform so that you don’t miss out on future episodes.